Here are some things that I think every marriage needs to thrive:
1. Start over each day with a new start!
Some days are just hard. As a couple I think it is awesome if you can start over with a clean slate each day and recommit yourself to making your marriage fabulous. This requires letting go of grudges and forgiving and forgetting (and not bringing up sore subjects over and over again). I have to resist the urge to bring up past events and instead focus on the positive things ahead! This is really hard to do!
2. Family time is not couple time. Make time just to spend with your spouse.
Spending time with your spouse doesn't mean you have to go out or spend money, but it does mean that you plan specific things to do together that allow you to build on your relationship as a couple. We have been attempting to go on date nights out a few nights a month. Sometimes we go on double dates with other couples, and sometimes we go out alone. We also try and go on a little getaway every year for our anniversary. I think it is important for our kids to see that we take time for one another. I also try and do special dates with our kids each month, I take them one at a time on my Friday's off. It is their special mommy day. I think this teaches our kids that each member of our family is important and deserves special attention.
3. Schedule your date with your spouse first (and schedule the rest of your time around it).
We are working on being better about this. I think most people would agree that life gets in the way sometimes. I think there are definitely seasons of life when we are busier or more tired as parents, so scheduling a date is hard. If that is the case with you, redefine what a "date" is and make it fit your needs. Quality time as a couple can look different in every family. My favorite thing to do with my husband is to sit at the kitchen table while he makes us a late night treat- carmelitas or peanut butter bars. I am always amazed at how much better of a parenting team we are when we have 1:1 time together to just have fun together (and eat our treats).
4. Sit down with your spouse and ask, "What can I do for you to make you feel loved?" Have your spouse ask you the same question.
It reminds me of the book The Five Love Languages of Children. Everyone has a different love language, so talking with your spouse about this can't help but yield positive results. As parents I think this is a little harder, because our kids won't often spell it out, yet oftentimes their behaviors will tell us how they want to be loved/shown love. I'm challenging myself to do this step this week! The last few weeks were rough with my husband working twelves. I didn't realize how much easier it is with him there.
5. Be a role model for your children of the type of partner they have the potential to become.
I want my kids to have amazing marriages and I want them to be successful in their relationships with friends. Their success starts right in my home with how I treat my spouse. They will model themselves after my husband and I behavior. When I get angry too quickly, my daughter tends to get angry at friends quickly and comes unglued. When I am kind and patient, I see those behaviors reflected in her relationships with her friends.
6. Offer a sincere compliment, at least 3 times a day.
Man, I need to be better at doing this one. I am always getting on my husband for folding towels wrong, or mixing whites with darks in the laundry. I guess just the thought of him doing the laundry is very nice. Life is so much happier when we are looking for the positive things that others do. I notice that when I focus on the positive things my spouse does, I am happier, and then my kids are happier too. When I start focusing on the negative with my spouse, things just go downhill and I tend to start being negative with my kids too... which definitely makes me feel like I am failing as a parent!
7. Try a new adventure together.
We tend to do the same old thing together. We watch shows, make treats, go out to dinner, and if we're lucky, we escape to a movie. Our adventure was spur of the moment we hooked on our travel trailer and headed to a local state park for the evening. Had a bon fire, roasted marshmellows. The kids had a blast and my husband and I enjoyed every minute we spent together, laughing and talking.
8. Do chores together.
I hate doing dishes with a passion. Luckily, we have a dishwasher! Since my husband and I started dateing before we were married. I had this little reminder on the fridge that said "Princesses don't do dishes". My husband knows this and typically takes on the grueling task. While he tackles the kitchen, I am folding laundry or clearing the table. On days that our laundry gets piled up in a mountain, we both work together, folding, and putting away all the laundry. Working together as a couple also reminds me how important it is for us to work together with our kids. So many good life skills are taught through work.
9. Be unselfish. You can't be selfish and have a fabulous marriage.
As a parent, you really learn to be unselfish with your kids. They consume a lot of time and energy. Sometimes as a spouse I am selfish of my "alone" time or even silly things (like my treats), because I get tired of sharing with just one more person. As parents, my husband and I both need breaks from time to time. My husband has been amazingly unselfish this year and has watched our kids while I've gone on three different girls trips. I have come home rejuvenated and ready to be a better mom and wife. I love this article about selfishness in marriage. It has some good things to think through and ends with this great quote- “Being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person.” - Howard W. Hunter. Being unselfish as a spouse is a great way to teach your kids about being unselfish. They are always watching and learning from us.
My husband and I talked about this a lot when we were first married. If everyone tries to give 50% in marriage, but someone fails on that again and again, then you're never at 100%. If each person gives 100% (or even just 80%), then your relationship is always operating on a surplus... especially on a week where one partner is struggling and can only give 30%. There are some weeks when we just go through the motions and are like passing ships in the night with busy schedules. Leaving nice notes in shoes, buying each other special treats, or even just sending a sweet text during the day are simple ways to still be nurturing your relationship during those times that are crazy or tough! My husband always sends me a good morning, I love you text or email. It makes me feel all giddy inside.
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